I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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