so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
