how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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