You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
