Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
