does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
