There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
