So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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