so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Small penises have feelings too.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
