I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
