Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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