I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
