We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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