i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
