If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
