First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize