From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So much rum. So many feels.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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