I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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