you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
