Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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