Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my being single is dangerous.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
