you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
