Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
