i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
