Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
it glows. i had to have it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
