Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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