mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
