Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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