I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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