My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
