You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
