I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
