mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize