smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Please don't give away my fajitas
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
