you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
