dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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