the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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