I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize