He had one of those small greek statue penises
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize