are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
