Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The beers last night were like the tears from god
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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