broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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