You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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