Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize