I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
