I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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