I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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