You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
