Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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