god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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