just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
