I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
