does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
