did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
