im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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