so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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