just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
