cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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