I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
