She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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