My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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