So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
