He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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