I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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