i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
