If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
